How you and your family will benefit from P.E.T
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William H. Gates Sr.
“His mother and I were involved in the Parent Effectiveness Training at our church and the thing they taught us which is so central and significant is that you should never demean you child.”
Dr. Louise Porter
“I commend Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T) for empowering parents to improve their relationships with their children, so that they can be the loving parents they always wanted to be, so their children can flourish, and their warm connection to each other can endure through life.”
Mrs. Gym Miller
“I am an alumni. Must have done it when Ari was still tiny. I found the course incredibly useful. It has served me well for both our kids as well as in adult relationships. You should do it!”
“This was a big step forward: a really big step, you go up and up, you become more wise, more insightful, you can process better what you hear, you can react in a better way, it rockets you, it may have taken you five years to start thinking of all these things, because they all sound very logical, they are so appealing, so simple, so humane.”
“From the moment you give birth to a child you enter a life-long relationship. The realization means that I must develop such a kind of relationship that will be functional through all the phases of my growing child right through to adulthood and under all conditions. It is never ending process that will follow you until the day you die.”
“P.E.T has completely changed my life. I was at the point where I was no longer getting much joy from being a mother. I was having constant struggles with my oldest son and then arguing about it with my husband. Thankfully, I came upon P.E.T. in the nick of time! He has gone from having arguments and tantrums and going to time out multiple times a day, to calmly discussing issues with us and giving us hugs and kisses! WOW! This is how I want to raise my kids! I will forever be grateful for the change P.E.T. has made in our lives.”
“I took Dr. Gordon’s course years ago because I was having trouble with our teenage son. Not only did these skills help me rebuild that relationship, but they helped every relationship in my life. My mother, my friends and, most importantly, my marriage have all benefited greatly from my having the skills! And I never leave home without them.”
YOU WILL LEARN
Active Listening is a skill that the you can apply to reflect back what the child has expressed to let him know you are listening. It allows you to check back you understanding of their meaning (facts and feelings). Active Listening is a restatement of the child’s communication, both the words and the accompanying feelings, i.e., nonverbal cues—tone of voice, facial expression, body posture. It enables both you and the child to understand the actual experience the child is having. Active Listening encourages the child to explore their problem more deeply and facilitate the child’s problem-solving process.
In P.E.T., an I-Message is a form of an assertive communication of the parent. I-Messages are about the feelings, beliefs and values of the parent expressed as a sentence beginning with the word “I”, and is contrasted with a “you-message”, which often begins with the word “you” and focuses on the child. They are also used to take ownership for parent’s feelings rather than implying that they are caused by the child. An example of this would be to say: “When you leave your toys on the floor, I’m scared I might trip and get hurt.” rather than: “Pick up the toys you left the toys on the floor!“
The Behavior Window is the framework which informs the parent what communication skills should be used — Active Listening or I-Messages or No-Lose Conflict Resolution, among others. The concept of “problem ownership” and its relationship to acceptance and non-acceptance of a child’s behavior is the central integrating component of the P.E.T. course.
Roadblocks obstruct the flow of communication between the parent and child. These are the traditional and almost automatic responses of parents to children when they are faced with problem situations. Roadblocks communicate a desire to change the child and unacceptance of the way the child is at the moment. Roadblocks often cause the child to stop talking and feel resentment. These 12 Roadblocks are statements or messages which tend to be ordering, warning, moralizing, advising, arguing, judging, praising, name calling, analyzing, reassuring, probing or sarcastic.
“Shifting Gears” is a skill that allows the parent to Active Listen to the child after they have sent an I-Message. The likelihood that the child will hear the parent and change their behavior is much greater if they Active Listen to the child’s problem. This in turn lowers the child’s “emotional temperature” and helps the child to problem solve.
No-Lose Conflict Resolution
“Let’s work together for a solution that meets your needs and meets my needs. Both of us will win, no one will be a resentful loser.” — No Lose conflict resolution method is also called Method III in P.E.T. It is based on a very different set of assumptions than the power-based methods of solving conflicts between parent and child such as the authoritative method (parent wins or Method I) and permissive method (child wins or Method II). In Method III, the needs of the parent and child are considered to be of equal importance. The problem is approached from a needs basis not on solutions. Power is never used except in situations which involve safety and security of the child/parent. The main advantage of the Method III approach is that it enhances rather than harms the relationship. No one loses; instead both win. Feelings of resentment and unfairness are thus eliminated from problem solving and replaced by mutual respect and concern for the needs of both parent and child.
American Chamber of Commerce in Hong Kong invites Gordon Parenting to be part of the panel to discuss the topic of “Talking with (not at) your kids: Creating a space for dialogue with your child.” https://amchamhk.eventbank.com/event/12311/
Congratulations to Certified Instructor Winnie Sze for successfully holding a PET Cantonese Information Session jointly organised with iSquare Education Centre. We are grateful to have a PET recent graduate share how she apply the skills calmly with great success in dealing with her young girl’s post-Xmas holiday tantrums😅.